i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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