Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
