shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
