The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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