Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
