he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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