i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
