Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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