Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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