how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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