Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
