i was born a porn star she said
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
