They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize