I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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