he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
