You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
