My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
