My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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