we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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