let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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