Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
being pregnant is like rehab
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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