all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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