My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
