They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
