Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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