somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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