were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
