Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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