Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Shame - the story of my life.
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