you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
