I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
