She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
