For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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