also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
