Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
