super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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