The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
