You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
