I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
