I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
