Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize