Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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