Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
