I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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