Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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