[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
