Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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