Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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