I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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