Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
