Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i think my cat just said my name.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
