i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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