Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
