I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
