I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
