Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
