Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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