a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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