dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
