R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
