We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
