3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize