You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
