It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
How's work?
Spinning.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
