and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
