What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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