If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
