she looked like the before picture.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
